Due Date

This past April, I had a miscarriage.  I was about 8 weeks pregnant.  Initially, when I found out, I was pretty numb to the news.  I knew that it was God's way, and that there was a reason for the miscarriage.  However, as my body actually went through the process of miscarrying, it became more difficult.  Because my hormones were a wreck, I did lots of crying and wondering.  It was a tough process for me, both physically and emotionally.  I didn't want a lot of people to know, and I had a lot of anxiety about talking to others about it.  Thankfully, a D&C wasn't necessary.  I had a lot of nausea spells, pain, and some pretty horrific headaches.  Going back to work was a tough day; I still didn't feel that well, and I was worried that something would happen in front of my class.  I didn't want to have to explain anything to them. 

As time went by and all of my levels returned to normal, I realized that this was God's way of giving us what we can handle, and that I always need to trust in God's timing.  It made me hug Vera a little tighter.  I found a lot of comfort in knowing that we have a special little someone in Heaven keeping an eye on us. 

Tomorrow, December 6, is my due date.  I could never bring myself to delete the pregnancy app I had on my phone tracking that pregnancy.  Periodically, I would check it, read about the development, and tell Adam how big our Angel Baby would be.  He usually shook his head and would quietly say, "Yeah." and then we would go on. 

It's hard not to wonder what life would be like if I hadn't had the miscarriage.  Instead of preparing for a new baby today, I am at home sick with a terrible cold.  Funny how life works. 

I was really hesitant to write about this, but I want to make sure that I have this documented so I don't ever forget this day. 

Here are the pictures of Vera's sibling in Heaven.  When my doctor asked me if I wanted the printed ultrasound pictures, initially I said no.  She kept asking me if I was sure.  Reluctantly, I said ok.  For months, these pictures sat on our mantle in the living room.  Then I finally moved them to a "safer" place, hanging on the side of our refrigerator.  I'm not quite sure where to put them, or where the "right place" is to keep them, but I am glad that my doctor convinced me to take them home.